I have made a decision….

I have a condition that is pretty well obscure in most people’s consciousness, as it is genetic and to all intents and purposes, I appear “normal”. I apparently am a mutant, with an extra chromosome. I would have preferred an ability to fly, grow blue hair, anything… But instead, I have an extra key in my genome. great.

The treatment is pretty special – I get the chance to be “normal” via Hormone Replacement Therapy, or HRT.

Well, I have had enough of the HRT. I want to go back to how I was, not shaving for months, full head of hair, very little hair on my back and front, and an emotional level that was very normal, I didn’t have anger outbursts, I didn’t have aggressive tendencies, I was pretty placid.

I could find humor in everything, bad or good, my humor was very light, and I existed in a state of heightened consciousness, I had better hearing, sight and a sense of smell / taste that allowed me to eat certain foods that I can’t stand right now. I miss a nice boiled egg, a piece of fish, and they are things i loved before the HRT treatment.

So I have made a decision. I am going off my treatment. My body is mine to control. I can live with the side effects, I did for many years, and I just will exist in a state of pain that is manageable. My brain willjust have to come to terms that there isn’t any testosterone being supplemented. I can meditate and get rid of the headaches, the body aches, and if that doesn’t work, I will just increase my vitamin intake. That always works.

Why am I telling you this? well, there are people out there who think I should keep on getting treated so I am a normal person. I am not normal, I am unique. I want the things that make me different and special. I want to be able to see things from other people’s perspective again, not just my own. I want to show my kids what I have the potential to be, I want them to know that their daddy is unique, and that he believes that they should be unique too, not settle for a society perspective of normal.

I will be changing – I hope it is gradual, but i am well aware that this may not be the case. I want to see where I am in 12-months, evaluate my progress, and change a couple of things if I need to. Nothing major, just stuff that makes me less than I can be.

One thing about this condition – when i was born with it, back in 1971, there was one in 500,000 cases. we were pretty rare. Nowadays, the stats are one in 500. It is on the increase, and it effects males more than females. There is a name for it, it is called Klinefelter’s Syndrome. We are growing in numbers, but there is little or no support network locally for people with this condition. There is no funding for a research program to find non invasive treatment options, or ways to help parents cope if they have a child with the condition. I have the right to make a life choice about my body – I won’t make a choice about whether I live or die, that is just not an option. i will be living for some time. I may end up when I am very old being hunched over as the osteoporosis claims my calcium, but even with the treatment, that is a possibility.

The side effects of the treatment aren’t pleasant, and can include prostate cancer, testicular cancer, hell, pick a groinal cancer, I can get it by being “treated”.

No thanks, I want to experience life as I was created. I am not interested in the horror stories my GP & specialist recount to me. I want to be normal again, not society normal, but Peter normal.

There is a group running out of melbourne, and it has extended its reach to all states, but it is a voluntary group, there aren’t any sponsors, nor are there any magic bullet cures.

I will keep you posted…

Where are we going to be in 5 Years in the ACT ICT market?

I was thinking about a couple of things that I saw today, from different clients. One was a new entrant into the Canberra ICT Market, a kid of 18 who blew me away with his matter of fact approach towards solutions. I had my Vendor list with me, I always have one for the new clients and new staff members of existing clients, but this kid (can you tell I delight in being able to call an 18yo a kid?) was so switched on that as we talked about the different vendors, he started to link them together into total solutions. This is how I look at solutions. I take one product, and look at its synergies with the other vendors. The scary thing is, It has taken me several years to come to this solution building style, and this client was seeing the vendors for the first time.

I had a couple of other meetings in the day, one was very closed – the client knew what products he wanted to sell, and we didn’t have anything that he wanted initially. I was patient, and the pathways he resolved suddenly sprang into my product sets, he could see where the solutions were. It took him a lot longer though, than the first client did.

This got me thinking. What will the ICT industry be like in 5 Years in Canberra? will it still have the old guys who know the clients, and their needs, or will it be made up of young guys and girls who can look once at a vendor list and build complex solutions in their heads, before relaying them to their clients in a workable solution? will the older resellers rely on contact knowledge, rather than product knowledge? Will they become dependent on the suppliers for assistance with solutions, reliant on the advice of others?

What will the future hold? I love technology, I am passionate about products and solutions, but I am tempered with a broad understanding of the contact base in all segments of end-user markets. It has taken 17 years to get to this stage. I can visualise solutions, I can visualise synergies, and i know the clients who will be receptive to my ideas. What about the new players? who will teach them? who will instruct them in the finer stages of contact with clients?

For a lot of the new “kids on the block” they will need to cold call, get introduced by their elders, any method to gain a presence in the market. How can I assist them? can I eke out an existence alongside these brilliant minds that are coming into the marketspace? The answer is simple. Yes. Why do I think that this is the case? I am in a unique position, I have industry experience that they cannot gain overnight, and I am willing to assist them achieve their goals set by their masters. I am on their and every client’s side who engages with me. I am not the type of person who is able to favor one client over another, I have been around too long for that. I offer my experience, my responsiveness, my business knowledge and my product knowledge to all who want my help. I am excited when a new client lands a deal with my help. It could be a small deal, under $100, or a massive deal, over $100,000. Either way, I helped them get there and each deal is a stepping stone to a powerful relationship, that most clients remember in later years.

Where will we be in 5 Years in the ACT ICT market?

No Clue.

But i am really enjoying the here and now, and I will see what comes around in the next 5 Years.

What sort of Christian have I become?

Right. for those of you who don’t believe in God, don’t think this is an attempt to “convert” you. I really don’t care what you believe. I don’t care if you are an adulterer, covet your neighbour’s ox, (though if that is what you call his wife, you may need some help) are gay, or another religion, or an atheist.

This isn’t my attempt to be a conversion engine, it is my way of explaining what i believe, and why I don’t go to church often, ok, hardly ever.

As I tell people, I am a registry Christian. I go for births, deaths and marriages.
Am i still a christian, as i don’t go to church? I don’t believe that anything has changed for me. I still believe in God, I just don’t believe that the church is anything other than a mechanism to promote the word of man, and the interpretation of the bible according to that body of man – the priest and the archdiocese.

Why must i waste my time of rest, my sabbath, getting up really early and listening to another tell me how I should help my fellow man, myself and live a good life? I live a good life. I am kind to animals, I help those in need, and I turn the other cheek to violence towards me. I don’t steal, I don’t kill, I don’t covet another person’s success.

I teach my children the 10 commandments, I try to raise them with a strong moral compass, though, since my wife left me, I am concerned that the compass may be skewed into believing that this is an ok way to behave, cheating is ok. If mummy can do it, what is to stop my daughter in later life from doing it? how can my ex preach that this is wrong, and expect my daughter to believe her? That moral lesson comes from me. I can teach my daughter that this is not the way to behave, because this is not how I have behaved.

I spend a lot of time searching my soul, asking internal questions, asking my priest the same questions if i get stuck, and the answer isn’t in the bible – lets face it, it is an old book, and no matter how many revisions, it isn’t getting any updates anytime soon. I come up with philosophical questions, like “who invented whom, did man invent god, or did god invent man”? that was a good one, my father and I discussed that for a fairly long time, until we were certain that it was solved. Unfortunately, we didn’t write the answer down, and when sobriety kicked in, we couldn’t remember. Other questions were “where did cain and abel get their wives, if adam and eve were the first people on earth, and cain and abel were their first born children”? and the current one which i am having fun with “according to creationism, god created everything in 6 days. how long is 1 day in god’s universe? is it a standard day in man time, or a millennia?”  If it is a millennia, then evolution neatly fits into the 6 days, and if not, it is a theory out in the cold. But then, where did the dinosaurs come from, and where did they go? and why don’t we see anything about christianity prior to the roman occupation of the holy lands?

I believe that there is a big guy in the sky. maybe it is a girl, a force, a Presence.  Whatever it is, I speak to it, i pray to it, and I feel comfort in doing so. But at the moment, I am certain that I have done something wrong, as I am trying to educate my children to walk in the light, and my ex, via her actions, seems to tell them that the darkness is ok.

Time is upon me to grow up and out

I realized today that of all the things I can do, chasing an old dream is probably the stupidest. I thought that by including my ex in my life, she would see “reason” and come back to me.

That is never going to happen.

The telling point for me was yesterday -I had to ask her about the long weekend, and, as she had phoned me during the day a couple of times, I thought I could call her back and it would be ok. How wrong I was. She got angry with me, as she was busy. During the day, I was busy too. But I took the time to listen to her, when she called.

I realized that she had changed. She wasn’t the same caring person I knew, she was selfish.

And today, I just stopped caring.

She can do what she wants. I don’t know why I tried to keep her, and so I set myself free.

Ahhh. Coffee at the olive.

Well, the year has finally started. I know it started earlier, but, as coffee is my motivator, it started when the olive opened.

The olive I refer to is the Chocolate Olive, a cafe a short walk for me from work, which has the best coffee, food and service in the area, and somewhere I can go to meet clients, get some me space during the day, and work out strategies for the new year.

I guess that my opinion is based on my experience in the hospitality industry, short break from ICT, but a defining moment in my life, I saw how it could be if technology didn’t play a pivotal role, and the concept appalled me.

But I digress.

Back to me sitting here, drinking coffee, relaxing. Where are my friends? Apart from the staff here, they aren’t here. They could be enjoying the ambience, the buzz, the general hum of life.

I have my plans in my head. I have my directions and I am ready to enact them. I just need January to be over, no-one is here in the flesh as it were, or the spirit, they are all waiting for february to start, and the year to commence.

another poem – short, and most rewarding.

Hotel view

I look out of the window,
at the vista of skyscrapers,
framed by the beach,
and the setting sun.

so cramped,
these lives of others
trapped in their units,
some don’t see the beach at all.

I step out,
on to the balcony,
and listen to the life far below,
and smell tropical flowers
their perfume is relaxing me.

on the far horizon,
there is a storm,
dulled by the distance,
it is a pretty light show.

the storm is getting closer,
but I can smell the rain,
feel the cool breeze,
and I wait for it to arrive.

The light show intensifies,
flashes that seem of blue, pink or white,
and i go inside,
lying on the bed,
watching the storm and the sunset.

it is a peaceful place.
Peter Holland 4.45am 31/10/09

For Gail

For Gail

I remember seeing a girl,
standing at the taxi rank,
she looked upset,
like she had missed something.

I recognised her.

I went up to her,
asked if she was alright,
asked if she wanted to share a cab,
and we went back to belconnen together.

We went to the boardroom,
a nice old haunt of mine,
she had a liqueur in a chocolate cup.

I walked her back up to the labor club,
she took my hand, and
led me towards the library,
we kissed under the underpass,
then she ran away.

I was in shock,
stunned,
partly because she had kissed me,
mostly because she had run away.

I thought,
I will never see her again,
and that was sad for me,
she was so smart,
so beautiful,
and I knew I wanted a girl like that for my forever.

Many months passed,
lonely months,
sad months,
ainslie village months.

And then,
when i had put her out of my mind,
I was reconnected,
introduced to her,
and we became friends.

we spoke nearly every night,
about every single thing,
and I was happy to hear from her,
and I wished she was mine.

she decided to have me over,
for dinner and a chat,
but her ex came back to town,
and the dinner was cancelled.

it was sad for me,
I wanted to be with her,
but it wasn’t yet my time.

She called me up,
out of the blue,
dinner tonight?
I was able to come over.

we talked and ate,
in a really small bedsit,
and then,
we kissed.

That was it,
she was my girl,
she was my friend,
she became my life.

We were together for everything,
when she changed jobs,
I was there,
when she felt down,
I picked her up.

I decided to propose,
in a romantic setting,
and popped the question,
in telstra tower,
I held my breath,
she said yes.

We were engaged,
living in a unit,
with running water down one wall,
and we started to save for our future.

we decided to wait,
no kids till a house,
and we saved,
saved and saved,
till we bought a house.

here, it all went wrong,
we were trying for kids,
and it wasn’t happening,
and we found that the problem,
was me.

I begged her to leave me,
to find a man who could give her,
the kids and a family,
she refused.

she found a solution,
IVF and assistance,
and she tortured herself,
with drugs and injections,
until we were pregnant,
I was so humbled by her sacrifice.

The child never made it.

I was devestated,
I withdrew from her,
and we drifted apart.

we reconnected,
and our daughter was born,
eyes like her mother’s
a tiny beautiful girl.

She decided that a friend was best,
for our daughter,
and back to the injections,
the pain,
the sacrifice.

we were told that there were two heartbeats,
there were two people coming,
and I prayed every day,
that all would be fine.

it was,
for the boys,
but I almost lost her,
and she almost died.

Now,
I feel like I am standing,
at the library,
watching her drive away,
watching her leave.

I don’t know,
if she is coming back,
but she loves me,
I know,
and I can wait…

22/10/09 Peter Holland

Social Media Faux Pas

I have been described as a full on kind of person. If I start using a social medium like Facebook, Twitter, etc, I am over the top in my hunt for friends, connections, hell, I even tweet at home at 3.00am.

I recently committed a cardinal sin, on twitter, by DM’ing a person that I really didn’t know, at all, multiple times. It wasn’t until they contacted me and asked that I cease my Stalking that I realised, that to a person I didn’t know at all, and who really didn’t know me, that it was pretty easy to see where the mistake was made. I was genuinely interested in what the person had to say, and was asking questions – innocently in my eyes, but that is not how it was taken by the person in question.

They were scared by my continual bombardment of questions, comments, and attempts to learn more about them. And I was ashamed that they felt that way. So, I apologised. I stopped sending DM’s to them, I withdrew any comments about what they were saying. I got to a point where I was embarrassed to provide advice about things they were looking for, and tried to avoid their tweets. When I did answer a question, I made sure that it was only the facts, not any additional information, and I still felt put off responding. Some of the comments that they made about me to me were uncalled for, there were things that they got terribly wrong, but I felt that there wasn’t any way to redeem myself in their eyes, so i gave up.

Now, I don’t want to answer their questions, I am trying to avoid their comments, and I feel down about what I have done to them. I understand that if you don’t know me, and I am sending you messages, lots, as I do with the people that do know me, it is easy to join up the dots to loony. For that, I am sorry.

Now, to make matters worse, I went and washed my car in weston, had to drive it around a bit to get the water off, and went to a local charity and chucked about $5 in shrapnel into a donation box. I then drove back to work. I mentioned this on another blog, and found that I had neglected to note that the person who feels threatened by me worked there. Dumb decision on my part, but not intentional. I completely forgot where they worked. I wanted to see what this particular charity looked like after the fires, but never got a chance to go there.

In hindsight, I cannot blame them for feeling threatened.

So, this is my tale of woe. I won’t do that again, I will keep my DM’s for people I know really well, and who know me.

whilst I cannot sleep….

I am waiting, yet again for the pain killers to kick in. and they aren’t.

So, while I am waiting, I thought I would chuck in some pomes. I know, that isn’t how you spell it….

summer storm

I am sitting on my chair, in the backyard,
watching the storm roll slowly over the mountains.
watching the sunset get obscured by the dark velevet of rain,
watching the sky fill with black…

There is a flash!
the sky lights up in a web of lightning,
leaving trails like dew on a spiderweb in its wake.
It is miles away,
but I can smell the rain, the moisture,
and I know it will be here soon.

I breathe slowly and calmly.
I feel the light breeze spring up,
long before the rain will come,
long before I must take cover.

and now, as the sun has sunk below the mountain ridge,
the storm turns on the light show,
pink, blue and white flashes,
all accompanied by the low rumble,
that grows as it comes ever closer.

It was a perfect summer’s day,
the sun was hot,
the shade was welcomed,
and now, the storm brings me the promise of an easy sleep.

In my reverie, I miss the signs,
and then it is upon me,
raw and powerful, the wind whips my hair,
the lightning dances over my head,
and the blessed rain begins to fall.

I could go inside,
I could hide from the rain and lightning,
But I choose not to,
not yet, not before I have cooled,
not before I am ready.

I get up from my chair,
wander inside,
close the door,
and wait….

the storm comes in all its magnificence,
lightning and thunder and power,
rain drowns out all sound,
as it pounds my roof.

and then,
it is gone,
the ground is cooled, the sky is clear,
and I can open my windows to welcome the breeze,
and I can sleep.

Peter Holland
21/10/09 2.37am

Driven away

I had seen a glimpse,
of my future,
a world of children,
laughter and love.

I had seen a glimpse of my dreams,
my desires,
and I wanted the dream to come true.

I was blessed with a little girl,
her eyes like her mother’s,
her heart was her own,
and she loves me.

I was happy, with my daughter,
my wife,
my life.

But we decided to have another,
a friend for my daughter,
a friend for us all,
and we tried again.

This child had golden hair,
and spoke to me in my dreams,
telling my not to cry,
telling me it was ok,
telling me that it would be better.

I never met them,
never got to stroke their golden hair,
never got to show them the world,
never got over losing them.

I retreated from the world,
hid from others,
clung to my daughter,
neglected my wife.

We tried again,
more out of desperation,
to heal the wound between us,
and to make our family whole.

We found that where there should be one,
there was actually two,
two little people,
to learn from us,
and us from them,
and still I neglected my wife.

The twins were born,
naturally,
easily,
no real complications.

and then it began.

my wife,
my rock,
my love,
my soul mate,
started to leave me.

she was dying,
losing far too much blood,
and she was slipping away from me,
and i sat,
held her hand,
and cried.

I was exhausted when they stabilised her,
they let me sleep in a chair,
next to her bed,
and I dreamt.

I dreamt of a golden haired child,
they told me not to cry,
that it would be ok,
that it would be better.

I woke,
so did my wife,
I never told her of the dream,
never mentioned the child,
never opened my heart,
and I drove her away.

Peter Holland
21/10/09 2.53am

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