Posted by: peterhact | February 22, 2009

Life is funny…..

not funny ha-ha, but funny strange. I am finding myself compelled to discuss my darkest days with complete strangers. I cannot do this with my wife, she just doesn’t understand that sometimes, i want her to go, leave me and have a better life. lot of self pity here……

I have a condition that effects me in many ways, mostly to do with my mental state, and my moods. I am not violent, just feel sometimes that I am alone. I have recently found a group on facebook that all have the same condition, but they all seem to be upbeat and happy, not depressed and sad. I wonder what is wrong with me.

I recently learned that my wife is chatting and meeting other men. not for sex, but there are some who would like it, but for a friend who would listen. I am not the man I used to be, and this is very hard for her to understand. I am very lazy sometimes, mainly as i don’t have any get up and go. I am starting to find that I have bouts of forgetfulness, I forget friends that I went to school with,and, the ones I remember, it is of their face, and not the name. for me, who has always had a very sharp memory, it is a big fear that I am developing some mental illness. Perhaps I am. I currently forget appointments, instructions, and discussions where I should be able to remember, but I cannot. This is very frustrating to me, but also to my wife, who doesn’t understand.

The treatment for my condition is HRT, and I have peaks and troughs of hormone surges, which, as you would expect, either make me very aggressive and competitive, or at my lowest, depressed and withdrawn. I have considered stopping the treatment, but will not discuss this with my wife, the side effects are severe, and I would shorten my lifespan by about 40 years.

having 3 kids, under 5, I don’t want her to worry about me. she has it hard enough as it is…

and I am being very selfish.

but for how much longer?


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