Posted by: peterhact | November 20, 2011

Search and Destroy Cat Module – the unlikely pact

The search and destroy cat module, perhaps the smelliest and nastiest cat I have ever known, has joined forces with my kids. Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t a loving relationship here, the boys are terrified of him, and he is worried that some of the fluffy wuffy that my daughter insists is under his smelly exterior might actually be there.

She seems to be able to approach him without getting hissed at. There is something wrong there, as I don’t get treated like this at all, and have to resort to the solid steel carry cage with breather holes when we go out in the car to the vet. (standard cages mean he can reach out and hook me with a claw, which makes driving “interesting”) I also need armpit length falconry gloves to even attempt to put him in the cage, as he has a tendency of grabbing the edge of the cage and becoming a rubber cat – as I force him in, you hear a noise like “spoing” and know that the escape route most likely is up an arm. most of the scratches heal eventually. I have an “oh, no” moment when I hear the noise, the result is usually the same – me bleeding, him wedged under the sink after opening the laundry sink cupboard door with his lockpick claw and backing into the space. (for prevention of nasty grabbing by me, backing in means that I am now faced by claws, teeth and a very angry cat)

If I can get lucky, using food to trick him into the cage will work. The Vet suggested this ploy. I should have remembered that he was sniggering at the time. This is not a trick for old cats, kittens can be fooled, but then, they haven’t built up years of nasty yet, and the fluffy wuffy is still evident.

Now there is a pact between my little angels and the devil cat. If I choose a house that neither party likes, punishment will be meted out. As to what the Search and Destroy Cat Module can do to me that hasn’t already been done, I really don’t want to contemplate. What can the kids do? Again, I have no clue, but if they are working with the cat, it is probably going to be messy.

I had a think of some of the potential punishments. Then, realising that the kids could be listening to daddy ranting “not the gloves! don’t put them in reach of his claws” or “who left the latch undone on his cage when we put him in the car?” and could be taking mental  notes, I stopped.

Only once has the cat broken free of a cat carrier whilst we were in motion. The first thing he did was go off like a missile, straight towards my head. He is not a coonskin cap. The raccoon is dead before a cap is made. This was almost an option I considered. After inflicting damage, he shot under my driver’s seat, and switched to “playful kitten” mode, swiping at my feet as I drove. Finally, he resorted to the age old cat crazy behavior of “maddies”, running around the confined space of the car interior, leaping from chair back to chair back, trying to gain my attention. The problem I faced was that the road I was on had traffic on it, and a group of cyclists in the bike lane.

Beeping my horn and flashing my lights at cyclists got the standard response – the bird. After all, how many cyclists get harassed by cars on the roads? nearly all of them. so if I was trying to pull over with a maddened cat leaping about the car interior, hissing, swiping, shredding my legs, and there were cyclists, the only option was to slow down. This gained the ire of the driver behind me, who decided to pull over too. “great”, I thought, “road rage and a mad cat.” “If I open the window, the crazy who has just got out of his car can have a full face experience – claws at high noon.” I knew who would win, and it wouldn’t be pretty.

Then, whilst managing to reach the rear view mirror as the bouncing ball of fury went past, I noticed that the car behind me, which i hadn’t noticed till now, had a blue flashing light. My heart sank. As the cat shot past, I deflected him into the cage. Poetry in motion. Getting clawed whilst doing up the latches was expected, and now the cat was captured. The cage had to be seatbelted down to prevent a repeat of the earlier attack. This did not prevent it from rocking, or making the car rock. I now had to deal with the nice policeman.

I wondered what he thought, as I wound down the window, there was a hissing yowling thing in a cage with a seatbelt on it, a bloke sitting in the driver’s seat covered from head to toe in bleeding scratches, and the car was rocking violently. He asked me what had happened. I explained that the cat had managed to pop the latches and get out while I was driving, but I had pulled over and put the cat back in the cage. At this point, waving my hand at the cage, a bunch of claws managed to snag my hand. I had to unpick them very carefully.

The copper wanted no part of this, I got a warning and he headed off. So did I, making it home with no further incidents.

The Pact has already started to worry me. Yesterday, I was sitting outside for a breather of cleaning the house and he approached me. He jumped up On my lap and was acting like a lovey dovey cat. I was terrified. how long till he disemboweled me? what was he planning? had the kids put him up to this?

I guess I will have to wait and see. the emotional warfare has already started. When we get our next house, how long till the rest of the nefarious plan is started?

I have to move him into the laundry for dinner.

Now, where did I put those damn gloves?

oh, no….


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