Search and destroy cat module and the kids – mental torture continues

as has been pointed out several times before, the cat and the kids don’t get on. The kids have waved an olive branch, the cat has shredded it. the kids try to feed the cat, the cat arcs up at being fed crushed glass and nails. (not really) The kids try to pat the cat, the cat flees. Throughout all of this, I have tried not to cack myself laughing. The kids have given up. so has the cat. or so I thought….

They have formed an alliance of “inflict mental torture on daddy so that he doesn’t sell the house” and they are getting damn good at messing with my mind. Last weekend, my son was sitting on the swing chair with a fluffy kitten beside him. being patted, purring, what the?

firstly, the cat is NOT a fluffy kitten. something went “ding” in his head when we bought him, a switch that ended up being stuck on evil, hissing attack cat. Search and destroy cat modules do not allow small people to pat them. They demonstrate de-boning techniques, they run away, they hide in very hard to access places. They don’t act like a kitten and purr. I was very suspicious.

When my son went to play on the swing set, the cat went and lolled on the retaining wall. “ah”. I thought, perfect chance for one of the kids to exact revenge and topple him off the wall via a well timed jump. it didn’t happen. Any chance I got to give him a fright, I would take that chance and run with it. and then run away. lock myself in the car like a prisoner. The kids rubbed his ears, tickled his chin and I went inside to dig out the peroxide, the dettol and the bandages… this was not going to end well.

the cat ambled towards me.  I tried to climb the sapling we had planted in the back yard. I searched desperately for a cricket bat, tennis racket, anything to fend him off with. (whip and chair would be favorite, but then people might get the wrong idea about me – what whip and chair? oh, this one, oh, no, it isn’t for the kids, I use it on the cat, oh. you work for the RSPCA? ah. right.)

I even contemplated climbing on the roof and pretending to check the tiles, but as the house has a for sale sign out the front, how would that look?

No avenue of escape was available to me, so I surrendered, tensing for the shredding of the shins. he rubbed up against me, purring. Damn cat! playing with his prey! one of the kids had left the door open. I bolted in, locked the door, and realised that the purring hadn’t stopped. He had joined me in the house. I had a moment of dread. leave him inside with me and have all of the arrangements on tables and chairs covered with cat hair, as he trashes the lounge, or try to herd him outside.

Herding cats is compared to good management skills. what is the issue? I can herd the cat, I just need to make him think that outside is where he wants to go. Manipulation is key. (it only works on cats, kids are immune) threats don’t work, but the promise of sunshine is always a motivational tool. Doesn’t help when it is a canberra winter, in summer.

After getting him back outside, into the circle of small people who were patting him, making him seem normal, I let my guard down. If the kids could pat him, and he hated them, maybe I could pat him too?

The scratches are doing fine. thanks for asking. yes, they are still bleeding a bit. yes, my cat did it. no, he didn’t attack the kids. oh. The doctor will see me now? right.