Posted by: peterhact | January 6, 2012

You know when naming a cat is important? at 3am…

yep, 3am. couldn’t find the Search and Destroy Cat module, so was outside, calling his real name. He at least acknowledges it, even if he really doesn’t like it. It had been a hot day, so I thought he had gone to ground in one of the lairs he has established around the house, but they all turned up empty. The local cats were in the backyard, which was a surprise, but then I realised that he had gone awol. (the local cats don’t visit the backyard when he is here, as claws in the face may often offend)

Hmmm. There are two options here. first, I could ignore his lack of presence and go to bed. This wasn’t really an option, as it was apparent that if he was awol, there would be dogs in the neighborhood who would be suicidal enough to take him on. The second option presented itself. I would have to go out into the street and whisper his name, loudly. (it is 3am, after all) as I approached the gate, I could see two paws appear at the top of it, briefly, then disappear to be replaced with a loud bang as he fell against the fence. Damn it. I need to get him in, now. Thinking logically, I freed the latch on the gate, letting it swing quietly open (I thought, but with gates you never know if they choose that moment to be free of oil and make a eye watering creak at 3am) so that he could get back into the yard.

Now the game of cat chess began. Cat chess is nothing like the game. Cat chess involves staring down your opponent until one of you give up, whereby you saunter off with your tail held high. It also has been known to invoke fluffyitis if the game is played when there are things that may surprise one of the opponents, like a gate, un-oiled, swinging back. Fluffyitis, as has been mentioned before, is a cat state that, whilst highly amusing, can result in severe leg and foot damage if you do have a chortle at the appearance of the current fluffy sufferer. I was winning the cat chess, he was backing down, and right at the crucial moment, the gate chose to move. Pow! cat is in backyard. Pow! multiple fluffyitis cases appear as local cats fight for the gap in the neighbor’s fence, blocking the gap with much larger bodies than normal. (fluffyitis means that a normal cat, sleek and slick, expands to a massive cat, with a tail like a bottle brush, they really double their size, almost like terminal flatulence)

so he is in the backyard. the gate has closed, the cat is back and headed like a land shark for my legs. (great white variety) “B*****s!” I scream. “Yowl!” he answers. “would you shut the f@#$%! up?” screams the neighbor. “Yowl!” he replies. “Ah, its you, sorry, sorry, I’ll be off then” mumbles the neighbor, going back inside far faster than a sleepy man should be able to move. I hear him applying the deadlocks to the cat flap. (this came about when he realised that the reason that his cat refused to go outside, was losing weight and had a voracious appetite was that the S&D Cat Module had worked out where the gap in the fence was and was coming in through his cat flap, eating the food, terrorizing the cat and doing it faster than the speed of light. He realised this when I mentioned that the cat seemed to be off his food, causing premature celebrations in the street, Maybe he was getting too old and could face a future of Final Trip To The Vet. Fat Chance Guys.)

So here we are, 3am, I have yelled his real name, and he is going to punish me. A lot. There are many reasons for the punishment. Earlier in the night, I laughed at him. A lot. I even tweeted my amusement, telling others about his behavior, which then led to people visiting and reading this blog. As I sit inside, in the coolness this morning, with one leg propped up to aid in the reduction of swelling from the shredded back of my leg, bandages and ointment applied, recounting the horror of the early waking, I know it was worth it.

What made me laugh at him, well, there was the window behavior, which I tweeted about – He was perched on the windowsill, yowling at volume 11, when I got up and yowled back. He got so confused there was a scrabble of claws and he fell off the sill. I didn’t push him, Window screen wire is terribly thin, and this made it even more amusing. The other source of amusement was the fact that his “Bunny Bowl” has been removed, replaced with a bbq tray whilst I try to clean his bowl, and I know the other cats are teasing him about it. Through the fence. at a good distance away. He can’t get the same purchase on the tray, and as a result it skims round the yard while he tries to eat his dinner. That’s funny, right there.


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