Posted by: peterhact | May 8, 2012

Something Lost… Me.

I had a good idea of where I would be by this time of my life, I knew where I would be. I would have a big house, maybe a McMansion, plenty of room for the kids to play, maybe a few pieces of art, maybe some antique furniture, maybe.

I guess the point where I lost me was when my family broke up – my kids went with their mother, I was left alone in the 4 bedroom house, and I don’t think I have recovered yet. Don’t get me wrong, I know we won’t get back together. I just wish that we had taken a second chance to try and work it out. So it goes.

After the separation had done its work on me, losing me in the process, there was a husk, a shell left behind. I lost an alarming amount of weight. I stopped eating, I just stopped. My kids were left feeling that it was their fault – something that I never wanted them to feel, but in hindsight, after my parents divorced I felt the same way. I threw myself at the kids. I made them know that I was there for them, that I was their rock if they needed me for that.

My ex moved on. She had left me for a man who was older, someone who was intellectually superior, taller and physically fit. Intellectually superior. her words, not mine. She wanted to get a rental house. He wouldn’t help her, so she came to me. I agreed to help her. I did help her. I wanted to show her I was still of value – I know, it was a silly thing to do.

I had the kids every second week. I was happy. They were happy. She wasn’t. She decided to become the primary care giver. I got the kids 3 nights a fortnight. I agreed. I did it. Then it started to go wrong. The chemicals from my implants started to turn me into an aggressive, arrogant arsehole. I went to a psychiatrist. He prescribed mood balancing drugs. I became a zombie. I remember thinking that this is what it must be like when you are completely paralyzed – able  to sense everything around you, but not able to react.

I made the decision to go off the mood balancing drugs, the implants, all the damn foreign agents that I knew weren’t helping me. I had some interesting days, then it all went still. My mind, racing and reeling, was calm. I should have realized that there was a problem. My hunter’s instinct, my sales guy behavior had been scrubbed from me. I had lost my edge, my gritty, raw determination. All that was left was an over-amplification of my risk analysis. everything was doom and gloom. I was spiraling into depression, and the black dog had me in its teeth.

I started meditation again. I started getting “back in the saddle” – and damaged a few hearts in the process, not just my own. I started drinking again. Not the insanity of the drunkard, but the tentative testing of a reformed drunkard. I limited myself to the tipsy level, never let myself go and get smashed. It was working. Then, I fell off the wagon in a drunken night in an empty house, wailing and crying and drinking as I let go of all the bottled up emotions. Cathartic? probably. But as was my impact on the bottle, I lost an entire night’s cleansing and its memory. I woke feeling the same as before. I stopped drinking again.

I tried to rationalise the reasons for my loss of my family. I was working too hard, I was neglecting my wife, my kids, my attitude was work oriented, I just wasn’t into saving my marriage. It was only recently that a friend of my ex’s told me why it happened. it was always about my ex. I didn’t support her, I didn’t drop everything when she called, I didn’t rush home from work when she wanted me to. “Did the new guy do all that?” I asked her. The friend replied that he did for the first couple of weeks, but he doesn’t any more. She also told me that she couldn’t believe that I had put up with my ex’s behavior for as long as I did.

Yes, I am partly responsible for my marriage breaking down.

BUT I did not chase other women, I did not break my vows, I was faithful to the end. And it is the end.

 

Where now? well, I need to rebuild my self. I need to find something.

 

I need to find something lost…

 

Me.

 

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Responses

  1. If its any consolation, I think you’re an amazong for being loyal through it all. That’s a rarity in these days. Keep your head up, brother.


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