Posted by: peterhact | May 13, 2012

The Moral Compass

I got my moral compass from my parents, my grandparents and my experiences in life. There are some things that I just won’t do. I won’t steal, I won’t cheat and I certainly won’t engage in a relationship with a person who is married / in a defacto partnership. I am loyal to my partner. I never have looked at another woman, I have never flirted whilst I was married. I had pretty women pointed out to me by my friends, and the fact that I had missed the subtle flirtation that was being employed by them. At the time, I only had eyes for my wife.

I have a couple of friends who are gay. They tell me that I am safe around them – probably because I am a very unattractive man. well, that is their opinion anyway.

I have a couple of friends who have married interfaith, and one who has married someone who is not caucasian, big whoop. my mother taught me that no matter what the color of a person’s skin, they all have the same color blood as me. It is not a case that if a person is asian, their blood is yellow.

My father taught me that a gay person won’t go out of their way to hit on me. Gay people are just people, they have preferences in a partner the same as I do, they have very smart straight radar, and they don’t care whether I am straight or gay if I am their friend.

Anyway, I am rambling a bit. The reason that I mention the religious, sexual and racial points is that they are all on my moral compass. Next to the bit that tells me not to chase a married or partnered woman.

My moral compass is not my ex wife’s compass, she seems to have a completely different one to me. Hers tells her that it is Okay to flirt and play around with other men. It must do. After all, she left me for a bloke she met in a bar. She switched from me to him, with no regard for me. She exaggerated the true state of our marriage, she told him that she was the victim. So be it.

The only time my moral compass failed me was when I was on specialised treatment, it took a back seat as I changed into a mr hyde. Discontinuing the treatment brought me back to true north on the compass again, and there was a bit of damage I caused, a trail of destruction I had left.

What is the moral compass like for my children? Have they already formed an idea of where north is, based on the separation and pending divorce? Do they have traits inherited from my ex’s new partner? What have I done to them?

The reason I ask what I have done is that my ex has asked if I am interested in reconciliation. It has been 3 years, nearly 4, since we separated. If she had come to me after 1 year, I would have said yes. if she had come to me after 2 years, I would have said yes. 3 years, now, that is a bit of a problem. She has a baby to this other bloke, so how can I say yes now?

I can’t. Not because she filed for divorce, not because she has a baby, but for a far stronger reason. My moral compass has pointed out the obvious. She is in a defacto relationship. I don’t interfere with partners. I don’t break up partners, I am not a home-wrecker…



  1. Wow that is actually HUGE Pete. For a few reasons I imagine. Reading your post took me straight back to the end of my marriage and the years after. A similar situation occurred with me, I remember feeling so broken after my husband left me for a woman he worked with, he also suggested reconciliation while he had divorced me and married her. I just felt satisfied and validated that he realised his emended mistake. I did think about it seriously but painfully realised I would not be able to trust him any more. We did not reconcile but it actually helped me get to a place of forgiveness and to be able to call my ex husband a friend, we share the care of our 2 kids week about and now communicate better than ever. I have moved on also and remarried to a wonderful fella. I truly believe that you need to be true to yourself regarding matters of the heart, not everyone has the courage to do this, I believe true happiness can be achieved through staying true to you! But your truth could be being reconciled with your ex. In your most quiet time ask yourself what your heart most desires.

    • I think that is is more a case that she has found the “grass isn’t greener” and is trying to get a grounded person to look after her as she re-launches again. She isn’t happy with him, but I am far happier since she left. My quiet time has let me see where I was headed with her, and what her plans were, versus mine.

      For a start, I could never pursue my hobbies, my lapidary and photography as they were taking my focus from her. She would want to go out on the town with her friends (most of which were mine as well) and leave me to look after the kids. She did this when we were together, and is currently unable to do anything without his permission. He is very jealous, she has played on this and tried to get me to go along. I cannot and will not do it.

      Her new baby is starting to call me dad – she sees me pick up my kids, and she is mimicking them. He is angry about it, but it is an unrealistic expectation to say that I am spending time around his child – I am not.

      I am an only child, so the prospect of being alone is not daunting to me. I love to cook, and my children love to help, so for the immediate future, it is just me and them.

      Don’t get me wrong, I launched into dating when she left, far too early as I and the people I dated soon found out, and I am ashamed to say that I damaged a few hearts. I thought a partner would solve the pain. The only way to solve the hole in my heart is to love me again. Love my strange tastes in music, my creativity, my terrible sense of humor and, in the quiet moments, my determination, my strength and my love.

      As most of my friends evaporated when I met her, she saw to that, and over the years there were a few, and the rest went with her when she left, I find myself in the unique position that my engagement on social media like twitter is almost a friend finding mission, although i am tweeting to so many people around the world, I am finding that the people closest to home are the most interested in catching up with me, and this is a hope that makes me think I am recovering from the damage I had been inflicted.

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