Posted by: peterhact | May 27, 2012

My god, what is that smell? Your cat needs a bath…

My cat needs a bath? really? are you offering to bath a cat? idiot.

When the S&D cat module was a tiny, fluffy wuffy kitten, we would bathe him. mainly because he was tiny, but mostly because he really smelled bad from time to time. The tiny bit was important. tiny cats have little needle sharp teeth and claws, but they can’t puncture a leather glove. He would get a bath and a nice rub down with a towel. the resulting image was of a cotton ball on legs. Then we would play with him, ball of yarn, interesting things on string. Oh, those were the days.

Nowadays, Bathing is performed by running really fast past him with a bucket of warm water mixed with pet shampoo. There used to be two buckets, but I don’t think the kids are fast enough yet. Toss contents on cat, keep running. The keep running bit is important. stopping ends up with a very angry cat next to you. oh, sure, he may be drenched and resemble a drowned rat, but he will get you.

I kept his kitten towel, but he will shred it if given half the chance. (It has a duck on it) The kids think the duck towel is theirs. Ok, so they can have it.

Bath time is only reserved for really hot summers, when the cat odor he exudes seems to get a new life of its own. Winter time, I just grin and bear it, or slop out the laundry with pine-o-clean. masks the smell well. One visitor suggested I spray him with febreeze, the fabric cleaner. Wordlessly, I handed him the bottle, opened the laundry door, let him in and locked it behind him. Then I called to the cat, “dinner”! The banging stopped eventually. Must remember to visit him this week in hospital…

I do know people who give their cats baths and survive, they seem to have cats that have no probs with a baby bath and elbow tested water, big fluffy towels and a hair dryer. Not mine. The Hair dryer would be ok – it is a small way to set fire to the laundry, in comparison to the cat heater I have removed. These people even get their cats into pet shows. Where they win prizes. The only thing the S&D Cat Module would win at a pet show is a lifetime ban, for being nastiest feral cat in show.

The person who suggested the S&D cat Module have a bath came around to see the new house last week. The S&D Cat Module was an angel. nearly all the time they were there. I knew what he is up to. He even let them pat him, even though they unconsciously wiped their hands afterwards. The purr was deafening. He responded to the inane chatter of a person who thinks that they have won the cat over. “does “oo” want a bathy wathy?” “are “oo” a smelly cat?” “you want me to bath “oo”? miaow, miaow. purr, purr. Yeah, right.

The visitor filled the laundry sink with lovely bubbles and water. The S&D Cat Module purred. The visitor picked him up, dipped a paw in the bubbles. The S&D Cat module played with the bubbles and purred. They lowered him into the sink….

Four paws shot out to grip the edge of the sink. with a “Spoing”, the S&D Cat Module went off like a claymore at head height.


The laundry was filled with thumps and bangs. I exited. Stage left.

When the only noises were a cat purring, I carefully opened the back door. okay, the cat seems all right, as he sauntered past me, still purring. I wish I could say the same for the visitor. Yes, I did warn you. Yes, he did make a lot of noises. No, I haven’t got any brandy. No, I am not sending him to the RSPCA. (They won’t have him) You would like a bandaid? sure. We will never speak of this again? Heh. We will. Often. like when you forget and try this again.

I called the person the other day. the scratches have healed nicely, thanks very much. No, I won’t be coming to visit, I have to wash my hair, I met someone, we wouldn’t work, take your pick.

Sigh. Yet another one lost to the S&D Cat module. I wonder if he has a tally of his confirmed kills?



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