Posted by: peterhact | July 2, 2012

Dear Purina, you have got it wrong…

I was reading an article on the Purina website about what a cat’s meow means, and how to change their behavior. It mentioned that if the cat meows in a nagging way, ignore it. Pay attention to it when it is quiet.

Great theory, but they obviously have never met a cat like the S&D Cat Module.

The nagging starts at the crack of dawn – meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow…

I unbolt the metal door between him and the raptor cage, keeping fingers and hands clear of the gap. My stress level is already elevated. then, after he is in the raptor cage, I think he will leave me alone.

Meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow.

What now? The cage is connected to the door, he can’t get through the door for some reason.

Thud, thud, thud. That is the sound of a cat skull hitting a cat door that is inexplicably shut. Go into cat bedroom (laundry) check door, all ok. What the?

meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow.

I have fixed the door, surely? it is 7am. yell out the door – “it is open, you bloody fool!” oh. so it is. the S&D Cat module slinks back to the igloo for a bit more of a sleep. I get ready for the day. I also pop the catches that allow him to reach the garden, but can retreat into the raptor cage for safety from magpies. (the only suicidal birds that attack him these days)

fire up computer, check email, start calling people. peaceful blissful silence. get about an hour worth of work done. feeling pretty good about it.

Meow, meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow.

What?? what do you want now? why are you meowing? why? AAAARGH!

Stress level is back up. The phone rings. My  Boss is on the phone. WHAT DO YOU WANT?? OH, sorry boss. no, I didn’t mean to yell at you. It was the cat I was yelling at. Sorry. Um. No, I am okay. No, I don’t need stress leave. Really, I am fine. In the background, soft enough for only me to hear is meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow…. yes, boss, speak to you later.

I go to find the reason for the latest batch of meowing.

Oh. you are being a cutesy wutesy cat, are you? you want me to spend some time with you? sure. I give him the obligatory pat on the head, making sure that I keep my hands away from his bitey bits. Purring ensues. Then, with an audible click, he reverts into savage Search and Destroy Cat Module. There is a switch in his brain, I am sure. He leaps up, a furry claymore, ready to gut me and warm himself in my entrails. I run into the house and close the Glass sliding door, not the screen. BANG! The S&D Cat module has realised too late that the door is closed. He never has been good at telling whether a glass door is closed or open. Now, he is not a happy cat . Nothing will make him happy, and he wants me to know what he will do to me, if I come outside. “MROOOOWL!”. Hmm. That is a new one, better check the Purina site. Oh, apparently, this is the sound he makes when he is upset. No, really? I should write their pet information.

Of course, if I wrote it for them, it would include titles like “So, you picked a cat at the pet shop and he seems to be a homicidal maniac”, “you are barricaded in the house, things to do to survive on a couple of tins of beans until your cat goes to sleep” or “If the cat is purring, stand back” or my favorite, “101 useful tips to remember when applying first aid techniques to shredded legs”.

It would also cover “things to never do at the Vet’s like Laugh at the temperature taking face” and the old favorite, “my cat looks really funny, he is very fluffy, and hissing – a guide to defusing a fluffyitis cat”

There would have to be a section entitled: “Protective clothing for you and your vet” “how to tell when he is lurking behind the sofa” and “what posessed you to call him that? – a 3am wakeup call”

Perhaps I should leave the pet advice to these people. surely mine is the only cat of doom? Not every person will experience maddies around the house, leaping off furniture, skidding on tiled floors, slamming into the fridge and then doing it again in reverse? Surely there are cats who are sedate without being sedated?

meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow,meow, meow….

Oh, feeding time. Better get the big Stick of Prodding the bowl through the slot in his cage (with hooked end to ensure safe retrieval of the bowl) and feed him. Who locked that slot? damn it. I need to get the bowl in to the cage. maybe if I just open the door a little bit? no cat. good. whats that? AAAAAAGH! MY LEG! MY LEG! MY ARM!

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