Posted by: peterhact | July 16, 2012

A cat perspective

The S&D Cat Module is asking me to tell you all about him. He wants you to understand why he does some of the things he does. He still won’t admit that his real name is B*****s, and don’t bother asking to fill in the blanks, I have to live with him after you have gone.

Right. Here are his tips for you:

1. Children: Cats don’t like to be patted by children. My kids steer clear,  they know that it will only end in dettol, bandages and tears. Cats certainly don’t respond well to Tail Grabs, or Trying To Insert A Finger Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine. (although we can’t really see the attraction with doing that. ever. we can provide references from the vet about what happens when anything is inserted there – it is not a good result) Cats are living, breathing animals, they don’t enjoy being stuffed into doll clothes and strapped into a doll’s pram. Cats also have fur that can be patted (when allowed) only ONE WAY. The opposite direction is not a pleasant feeling, and cats will explain to you with actions and claws. (Dettol should give me free samples, lord knows I buy enough of the stuff)

2. The Sunny Chair: Just because a Cat has vacated a chair in the full sun, does not mean that the cat is okay with you sitting there. It mainly means that the cat has moved to allow his brain to cool down slightly, after spending the best part of four hours baking it in the sun. If you don’t listen, and take the chair, make sure you are wearing jeans. Shorts and skirts mean that you will be wearing long pants for most of summer. Cats do like to knead the hell out of their designated spot, if you are in it, expect to be kneaded.

3. Baths: If you feel a bath is in order, have one by all means. Do not even suggest to give the cat a bath. Cats cannot tell they smell. Most likely they can, but they choose to ignore it. The smell is a part of the cat, touch the cat with water and a towel and I will get the dettol.

4. Food: There are three distinct types of food for a cat. These are – Easy Food, Difficult Mobile Food and Other Food – anything that you leave on your plate outside. Easy food is hand delivered to the cat by the staff. Do not ever touch this food. Difficult Mobile Food is usually something that either chirps or squeaks, is very elusive, and, as cats get older, the amount of effort needed to capture this food becomes a waste of energy. They prefer to wait till it dies of natural causes. Usually, it outlives the cat. Other food is the bounty of the outside plate.

Humans don’t get up on tables (usually). Cats do. If you have left a piece of steak on your plate whilst getting a drink, going to the restroom, answering a plaintive cry for help from a child after they patted the cat the wrong way, don’t expect it to be there when you get back. The steak now exists in a cat. It is not sorry, it will not ever apologise, and, if the opportunity presents itself again, it will repeat the exercise. Cats do not respond well at christmas time to custard, especially the insidious brandy custard, or the equally confusing trifle. The cat was fine until they cleaned the bowl, now their legs seem to be wonky, and they just need to have a little lie down. ( a cat with a hangover is just a picture of misery, don’t even think about laughing)

5. Talking: Cats override all conversations. They will always reply to you, but the cat speak for food is the same as anything else they want. Don’t try to decipher the reply, it could mean “I have an itchy bum from worms, I want to come in, do you mind if I throw up in your bag – there was something wrong with the trifle.” If the continual miaowing is driving you nuts, imagine how I must feel…



  1. I just want to click like! On many of your posts. You should publish a book!

    • click like on as many as you want. It allows me to see what is going on, and may also prompt others to read the posts.

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