Posted by: peterhact | July 18, 2012

Cats and Vets

The S&D Cat Module needed to go to the vet. Now, the vet and the cat don’t see eye to eye. The Vet has dealt with the S&D Cat module since he was Kitten version 1.0 and cannot understand why he is hated so much. I can. It is like this. take a long balloon. fill it with a little water, then tie off the end and then squeeze one end, slowly squeezing until all the water is down the other end, in a big bulge. This is what the S&D Cat module looks like when he has his temperature taken. (only the bulging bits are his eyes) Not something that you can forget or forgive. Now, by cat logic, every visit to the vet will have to involve temperature taking. Why the vet seems to want to do this every time is a bit of a mystery to the cat. I expect he thinks that the vet enjoys wrestling with the far deadlier end, claws and fangs are bad enough, but a flatulent cat can render you speechless and unable to smell anything for days. sometimes weeks.

The vet has tried to be friends, even resorting to patting, tickling the chin, but there is always the dark shadow of the Temperature Test. That will always be there.

There is also the subject of needles, cat tablets, anything else that is part of the daily vet visit. Cats have long memories, but this vet didn’t give him the snip, didn’t clean his teeth and it seems to be unfair to be blaming him for every vet related visit. But the S&D Cat module seems to have blamed him for everything.

Last visit, I told his receptionist about our change of address. She went a little bit pale. She realised that they are now in range of us for any emergency visits that may crop up, you know, the highly elusive “House Visit”, the mythical beast that is seldom seen in people medicine, let alone pet medicine.

The S&D Cat Module didn’t twig this time that we were going to the vet, as I put him in his cage with just a Towel, not the usual range of distractions for the car trip. Two minutes later, we were at the vet’s. (we ARE close now) Sit in the Waiting room after telling the receptionist his surname. Not his real name. I can write it for you. I am not going to say it. Oh. You are new? Right. just tell the vet that <surname> cat is here. Nobody else in the waiting area, yet. I suspect that they are outside, waiting for a green light to come on to show that the S&D Cat module is with the vet. I have never seen it, but I am convinced that it is there. How else can a very busy vet practice be so empty?

The vet nurse comes out. Oh, its you. The vet will see you now. She backs away from the door, like I have leprosy. I don’t, but I do have a cat that would really mess up that nice dress. As we pass her, a clawed paw hooks out in an attempt to catch her. She is far enough away for now. Obviously learned a few things from the vet. We enter the room and then the vet says Good Morning B… DON’T SAY IT! he stops. Mr <Surname> he says to the S&D Cat Module. I have had a moment, I have heard the little “ding” in my head when I have realised that the reason the cat hates him so much is that he uses the cat’s Real Name. Breaking the cycle can save the vet. and the receptionist.

Write in Big letters on the file that under no circumstances, ever, is this cat to be called anything but Mr <surname>, I tell the vet. Ah. Finally, nearing the end of the cat’s life, we have worked out where the damage came from. It is the name my ex wife gave him.  The vet looks at the S&D Cat Module. So, Mr <Surname>, could I trouble you to come out of the cage? yes? great. Now, we will have to take your temperature as it has been a couple of months between visits (time for the vet to heal, I bet). This is going to be quick. Now, the S&D Cat module stands there like a mythical hero and takes the temperature check. his eyes do bug out a bit, but nothing like they used to.

I think we have a winner! The Vet checks everything, gives him his injection, gives him a worming tablet, tickles his chin and the damn cat stands there and takes it all. Cured! I have forgotten about the new receptionist. and the waiting room that is now packed with all manner of squeaking, barking, miaowing and chirping pets. there are some fish in bowls, but who knows what they are saying? I thank the vet. He shakes my hand vigorously, I think that he is far more thankful than I.

Out we go for the bill to be prepared, sitting down as close to the door as possible. The receptionist looks up. “I have B*****s bill right here. How would you like to pay?” The Vet is stabbing his finger at the big letters on the file. “Oh, I am sorry, my mistake. MR <Surname>.” I pay the bill. The S&D Cat Module is strangely quiet.

He remains pensive and thoughtful as I load his cage into the car. I can hear the cheering from outside the vet’s. Looks like we have a win.

When we get home, I unlock the cage and he trots into the garden, finds his comfy spot, lies down and promptly goes to sleep.

He is, indeed, a changed cat. Maybe he deserves to be allowed into the house for a bit of an explore, for being such a well behaved cat? The S&D Cat module sits on the floor in the middle of the lounge room, looks at me and throws up the nastiest hairball I have ever seen. It is impossible to describe the size, the smell and the way it seems to be dissolving the carpet. Maybe he is not ready for inside life. out the back he goes.

Now to deal with the hairball. and wash the carpet, and perhaps learn my lesson. For there, on top of the nasty mess, dead centre, sits a worming tablet. it can stay there. I am not going to try and get it back into his mouth.

The house is clean, the hairball has been removed and the carpet scrubbed. The S&D Cat Module is sound asleep in his igloo, maybe digesting the day, maybe dreaming of kitten things….


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