Posted by: peterhact | July 23, 2012

Healthy Weight and the S&D Cat Module

As was pointed out recently, we were at the vet. Now there was an Issue Raised that is (apparently) All My Fault. The Search & Destroy Cat Module is overweight. Considerably. I asked the vet to take into consideration the copious amount of winter fur that the S&D Cat Module is currently carrying, but he blames me. (the cat, not the vet) The vet has suggested a couple of things of interest, but he suggested (at this point I cracked up laughing) an exercise regime. Picture a large cat on a treadmill.  I would have to hang up a whole tuna at the other end, blowing any attempts at a diet change. The vet claims I am not taking him seriously. He is correct.

The S&D Cat Module is not overweight. his is just a bit bigger with his winter coat. The way the vet was talking, he is a pillow or cushion with legs. This is not correct. He is still prone to maddies, overly large cats cannot do that. He can still smack the snot out of other cats. Overweight cats get puffed raising a paw. He is just big. He can chase the birds away from our vege patch. Overweight cats would have a heart attack trying to get up the stairs. (we have a raised backyard) He can clear wheelbarrows in a single bound, he can climb trees, (although getting down seems to be trickier than getting up – cue wailing cat 5 feet off the ground) just don’t laugh, otherwise the sudden burst of speed rivals a cheetah. Overweight cats cannot climb trees. they cannot run, jump or attack. Hmmm.

I suggested the vet continue the checkup – maybe by checking how low the cat stomach is hanging down – I am a bastard sometimes. There are several places that have Do Not Touch written on them. The big one is his bum, but vets disregard the warning, usually with the torture device known as the thermometer. Call it whatever you want. sticking it there seems not to be as much fun as vets make it out to be. Hell-o!

The stomach is also a place of do not touch.

Cats are like venus flytraps. they lie on their back in the sun, with the tantalising soft belly hair inviting you to pat them. Do so, and the trap snaps shut. four paws and lots of claws hold you, the fangs do the rest. The kids like to use a peacock feather to demonstrate this. It cracks them up. The S&D Cat Module ends up with a face full of feather, and the kids survive till next time. ( I DO NOT Laugh at this – at least in earshot)

There are other places, but nobody seems to do anything to them. they are boring places.

The stomach is where the vet has to put his hands to check for lumps, check the size of the kidneys and make sure that the cat’s heart is beating regularly. He always warms up the stethoscope after the nasty “Got your hand” incident. It was his fault (the vet, not the cat) – the cat had been shaved for an operation, the stethoscope was cold….

I am certain a picture is forming in your head.

I am certain that it doesn’t include flailing, screaming or trying to extricate a wedding ring that is hooked on a tooth, holding the poor man’s hand in place.

So we have the checks done. the S&D Cat Module is now on reduced rations, one of those tiny tins for fussy cats. he can eat as much dried cat food as he likes and drink plenty of water. The S&D Cat Module is not a happy cat. It is all my fault. How come I am eating steak when he is eating cat (shudder) food? Easy. since buying smaller portions, I can afford steak once again.

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