Posted by: peterhact | August 6, 2012

Why Cats are far superior to Humans (and Dogs)

Ok, Time to write the next installment  in the S&D Cat module chronicles. Funny, I don’t remember leaving this page open with a new post ready to go. Or that inane title. Hmm. The S&D cat module is purring again. He is up to something. Yes, I noticed that he has been typing, but I guess to understand the type of intellect I am dealing with, you need to see it for yourself. Tonight, the S&D Cat Module has outdone himself. His typing seems to be hitting random keys that he thinks makes words. in his language, they probably mean something. what hdljgfglnbcdiuerwbds means is anyone’s guess. maybe it is gloating about the nasty litter box I cleaned tonight. I mean, there are some things I don’t understand, like how a cat of his size can produce that much uuurgh. I was dry retching in seconds. through a gas mask. with air freshener pumping sweet vanilla into the room 24/7.

As for the title, Cats are not far superior to humans. He cannot:

1. operate a tin opener:

although in a cat world, there would be no tins. therefore, no tin openers required. There probably wouldn’t be any humans, dogs, birds, mice or cats. The cats would eat their way to extinction.

2. manage to keep his litter in his box:

Am I being sexist? no, male cats seem to have greater kicking power. Litter is deeper outside of the litter box. though after a few beers, blokes cannot hit the trough. small boys have terrible aim. maybe it is a male thing.

3. open doors:

Open doors might lead to other cats, humans, dogs and, this is worst case, you understand, birds getting in. this would lead to bad things happening to a cat, the house, and ultimately, mostly the cat when the humans worked out what caused the trashed, stinking and feather covered house.

4. close doors:

where do kittens come from? probably was born in a barn.

5. recognise that when someone is on the phone, meowing continuously is deemed annoying.

of course, in a cat world, there would be no annoying phones, all attention would be on the cat and we would do as we are told. Unfortunately, not the case. Cat complaints are not appreciated whilst on the phone. Not just to me, but to the person on the other end of the phone.

6. operate a gun:

there is a murray magpie that screams at him when he is napping. If he could work out how a gun worked (not that I own one) and how to pull the trigger, there would be one less bird in the world. Probably less people, dogs, mice, rats. Lets face it. if a cat had a gun and could use it, things would be very different around here.

7. Work as a part of a team:

this will never, ever happen. cats just don’t do teams. or (shudder) work.

As for dogs, loyal and subservient to humans? says it all, really. How can something with that many teeth and a bark that has the power to put an elderly cat into a coma be loyal and subservient? if cats were the ancient wolves, there would have been no domestication, just a systematic extinction plan for all humans. except the slaves. you need slaves. Who else builds monuments and statues dedicated to cats?

The S&D Cat module has discovered that, while dealing with the litter, I filled his bowl with entrails and offal. Not my own, but an unnamed beast. He is busy making short work of it. this is busy and tiring work. he will have a nap afterwards, in the sun. now, where is that damn bird? Screech! screech! ah. right on cue.

was I laughing? no, I don’t think I was. ah. I smiled, did I? I was reading a funny article. You are very fluffy after the bird scared you? he got you again, did he? what is that? no, I am not buying that. no guns in this house. you can’t work it anyway. What do you mean, “make my day”?


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