Posted by: peterhact | August 21, 2012

Why doesn’t he get it?

The S&D cat module seems to have a problem with the idea that if he miaows at me all the time, I will pay him lots of attention. Today, while I was on the phone, he was in a complete little world of his own. He wanted to come in. he wanted to go out. he wanted a drink. he wanted a bit of food. Hmm.

I took the screen out of the laundry window, put a plank over the sink and opened the window. There. now he can get what he wants and leave me alone. Is it ever so simple? Not when the S&D Cat module is concerned. Miaow! Miaow! “what do you want?” pick cat up, push through window. CRASH! hmm. back into the house, check the cat cave (laundry), find that the plank has fallen in the sink. right. reattach the plank, leaving the cat in the laundry. BANG! scrabble, scrabble, THUD! what the hell was that? The S&D cat module has jumped on the plank, it has fallen into the sink, and he has panicked, thinking that I intend to bath him. do I have  “You don’t have to be insane to attempt to bath a cat, but it helps” tattooed on my forehead? Would I even contemplate bathing a cat when I am running low on bandages and dettol? not on your life.

right. reattach plank with heavy duty clamps, check trajectory, make sure cat scratching post (in pristine condition) is outside the window for landing site, close door and answer the phone. Why is the cat scratching post in pristine condition? because he doesn’t sharpen his claws on it. he prefers the door frames, the wire mesh on the windows, my lounge and, I am pretty certain, the sharpening stone.

Finish the phone call and go outside to see if he is out there. Nope. Hmm.

Softly call his real name to see if that will madden him enough to jump out to attack me. “B*****s!” It has worked. Too well. Now I am running around the backyard with a broom to fend him off. he is yowling and slashing. Finally manage to get inside and close the glass sliding door.

Did I mention that he is pretty old and seems to not get the concept of glass sliding doors, even though the door has a range of stickers at cat height on it? (thanks kids, for the stickers) He is thundering towards the door. This is not going to end well. In a panic, I throw open the door and scream “Get away, you damn cat!” this has the desired effect as he loses his balance and rolls to a stop at the door mat. now I am being subjected to the hurt look. This is the look he reserves for visitors, who all think that I am exaggerating. This look says, “Look at me, I am such a nice cat, but HE treats me badly.” under the hurt look, you start to feel like maybe you should let him in to relax on the sofa,  if he shreds it a bit he might feel better.

It is the ultimate in cat hypnotism. There is a bug that makes cysts in your brain that makes you love cats. it is called toxoplasmosis, and usually rats get it, but humans can get it too. even though the cysts would probably fail after trying to get people to love the S&D Cat Module. Nothing is that good.  Cat hypnotism is different. you feel bad for making the cat feel bad, and it takes a strong mind to realise that you are being hypnotised.

This is when the sliding door is closed, the curtains are drawn and I go and make a coffee. Unfortunately, the all areas access miaow can find me.

At least it is the end of the day. I remove the plank, close the window, put the screen back and lock it, put the highly smelly cat food in the bowl, then close and lock the laundry door – the inside one. I go outside and open his door to the cat cave. He saunters in, doesn’t even look at me, and I close the door. Another day over.

I wonder why he can’t use the window? Why doesn’t he get it?

Because a cat has staff, Dogs have masters.


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