Posted by: peterhact | September 26, 2013

The black dog bit me today. Hard.

The black dog of depression and I have had an uneasy truce for a while now. It walks beside me, behind me and sometimes, lurks in the bushes ahead on the path of my life. I am happy, I am moving with purpose and then the damn thing jumps out and bites me. Bang goes the self confidence, bang goes the positive attitude and back to self doubt, lack of confidence and I disintegrate.

That happened today.

The damn black dog took its time, I must admit. I had been expecting it earlier this year, but it seemed to have other things that had distracted it, other people to bring down in a flurry of arms, legs and tears. It was only a matter of time that its attention turned to me again. You see, this year hasn’t been all bad, I met someone who fills me with light and love and happiness. She is a really big part of my world now, and I haven’t seen her for a little while, I have been sick, she has been working and the tiny crack in my armour formed – and the black dog bit me. Hard.

It took me a while to get it off. I am still shaken by the encounter. It sunk its teeth deep into my soul, made me doubt myself, doubt the future, and I tried desperately to escape the poison that it injected into me. I felt as if I was a dwindling spark, a flame that had burned proudly, strongly and had been all but extinguished. 

The Black dog and I aren’t talking right now. It is sitting in the corner and I am ignoring it. The crack in the armour has been welded shut, and I am reading my self help book that I always refer to when that damn dog does this. I will be better tomorrow, but tonight, I almost drowned out its presence in booze. I have a strong will, but after the past events this month, I was severely weakened.

You see, for the first time in my life, my employer went into administration. My sketchy understanding of what happens when a company does that was absolutely dead wrong. It is not like a retrenchment. I don’t get paid, I hadn’t been paid for a month in total and I was living on handouts. All my new future plans got put on hold, and that really pissed me off – I wanted to expand my “helping people for free” into “getting actually paid for helping” in the form of a company. That will have to wait.

So tonight I feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow, I will feel better, stronger and I will drag myself up and get on with the current needs, future plans and my life.

That damn Black Dog. Go chase cars, will you? 

 

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